NOT AN UKE: A Lesson -script-

NOT AN UKE: A LESSON BY KOLYA


Chibi!Boz: Warning: This is a rant, and a violent one. Some content may not be suitable for all audiences--especially if you're a huge fan of clichés. Note that it takes a lot to get Kolya upset, but when he gets there, he stays there. (I would know, I live with him.) Thank you.

Kolya: Hello, my name is Kolya. Most of you probably don't know me, because my writer doesn't finish anything.
(Xan: Eheh…<83 *nyo~ron*)
Kolya: I am here to educate you concerning the fact and fiction of submissive homosexuality.
Kolya: First and foremost-

"UKE" DIAGRAM

Kolya: *points* This is what is colloquially referred to as an uke. Its portrayal can range from that of a skinny teenage boy to a shiny-eyed, weepy dick-girl with no testosterone. This is the most popular version.
Kolya: Please note that this is not accurate. The classification of uke, popularized by anime fangirls, does not exist.
Kolya: All it does is give actual submissive gay men a bad rap, one that is perpetuated by mainstream porn, which is often populated by lilting twinks anyway. (Thanks, porn industry.)

Kolya: What does this have to do with me, you ask? Well--
Kolya: I am sexually submissive, and because of that, most would classify me as an "uke".
Kolya: I AM NOT AN UKE. >>X

Kolya: Comparison time.

KOLYA – 6' tall, not shiny-eyed, irritable, actual muscle-mass, tan, 31
CLASSIC UKE – 5'6" tall, shiny-eyed, whiny, skinny, fair-skinned, ~15

Kolya: The classification of uke and the popularity of the twink-type make it damn hard for male submissives in any fandom. Because I bottom, people assume I should fit one or both standards.
Kolya: And clearly, I do not.

Kolya: I do not speak with a lilt.
Kolya: I have a dick, and I can use it.
Kolya: I have body hair. (Though I don't exhibit it, like some people.)
(Boz and Dema: >.> =_

Kolya: I am attractive--
UKE DIAGRAM
Kolya: --but in no way "pretty."

Kolya: And I sure as hell don't cry during sex!
Boz: The other guy might. >__>
SFX: BAP
Boz: >_>+ *bandaid*
Kolya: Don't interrupt. -__-

Kolya: Now, to dispel a few popular myths.

Kolya: When I get upset, I don't cry.
Boz: He sure doesn't. >_>+
SFX: BAP!
Kolya: --I tend to hurt something.
Boz: He sure does. >_>++ *another bandaid*

Kolya: If you hit me, I will not stand and take it.
Kolya: I will hit you back. And it will break something.

Kolya: I guarantee you, I will never be raped, and never beg to be raped.
Kolya: And on the off chance that anyone tried--they wouldn't walk away.

DEMONSTRATION:

Kolya: I am in no way defenseless.
Kolya: Don't pull any punches.
Boz: >.> I didn't sign up for this…
Dema: =_=; No choice…
SFX: BAM. WHAP. BANG. THUD. THUD. (Violence censored.)
Boz and Dema: >__>++++ =__=++++ *beat the hell out of*

Kolya: If I ever choose to have a relationship with a man, I will not be his girlfriend or wife.
Kolya: I have enough kids to take care of. >>
(Boz and Dema: …^_^ <3 =_= <3?)

Kolya: Being submissive does not make me a girl with a dick.
Kolya: And I will not be treated like one.

Kolya: I will not be generalized.

Kolya: I like dick. I like my prostate. And catching does not make me less of a man.
Kolya: I am submissive because I choose to be. Not because I'm not man enough to be anything else.
Kolya: And you will respect that!

Chibi!Boz: This has been a public service announcement. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
(Chibi!Dema: Feel better? =.
(Chibi!Kolya: Much better. ^^)

END